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  Self Assessment and Ministerial Evaluation
name :  Myra Patrocenio (2012.6.01 - 00:22)  
Time flies so fast! I didn't even notice [even though I'm counting the days] the turning of pages of my daily life after my seminary training. I know at some point that I will be where I am right now. While I was still having my Bachelor of Theology training at MBST, I know for sure that I will be back here, after my "wanderings." I took up my Master of divinity program for three years with a thought that I will be teaching at MBST after I finish. That's exactly what I did, as I believe it to be my calling. I still have the same thought, though some may doubt that I don't. I don't know exactly how long will I be here but at the moment I know I need to be here, for some reasons I don't really understand but I am certain that this is the exact moment that I should be here. Sounds perplexing for some but this is certain for me.

I've been ministering here for one year, one month, and twenty five days exactly today upon writing this. I would be honest that my journey as MBST administrator had been tedious, exhausting, and laborious. I even had a joke telling Rev. Jeong that it is better off to be a student than a staff. I don't want to be in this position--- administrative things is a challenge for me. It's like doing rock climbing or  bungee jumping for a not-so-sporty person like me. I have difficulty relating to people, particularly my co-workers. I don't understand why they can't work as I do. Sounds presumptious maybe, but all I expect is for people to give their best in their service, but maybe I don't have the right to expect anything from anybody. I just have to do my business as the aposltle Paul said, to mind our own business so that we could be a good role model for others.

For one year, I've learn an important maxim when it comes to dealing with people: just let them do things as they do and let me do mine as I should without compromising a biblical standard of service. A former professor, Dr. Jon Benosa reminded me that I could not expect people to be like me. Perhaps, this is the reason why I've been so exhausted all along. I expect people to be like me when in fact they couldn't, because we're not the same. There are times when I wish I'm in another place and working with people who could work efficiently. On the one hand, I have this wild thought that maybe my co-workers are thinking the same thing as well. Funny huh! Until this day I am still adjusting, learning, and enduring.

As I evaluate my one-year performance in this ministry, I feel like I'm failing in many areas of my life--- my integrity, my spirituality, and my ability as an individual and as a minister. And I'm quite scared that if in case Christ would arrive this day, he would find my unfaithful and fruitless. There never was a day when I don't feel angry with people because of their seeming imperfection, laziness, tardiness, and many other negatives that I see, only to realize that my expectations and ideals are just too high to the extent where I could no longer appreciate them--- even their little goodness. In this I am failing day by day. I pray that I will be more lenient and be glad that others are not as serious as I am so that there will be a sense of equilibrium in our working environment. Ah! Too difficult for me! May God's grace never leave me.

The Scripture is true, when it says that it is because of God's mercy that we have this ministry and that he is the one who makes us competent to accomplish it. I am a task-oriented person, being with people is too much of a burden for me, and yet, this is where God called me to be. I would complain to Rev. Jeong that I don't want this position, "the administration thing" is not my cup of tea. It's not that I don't want to serve here at MBST. I don't see myself as a competent administrator to that effect. But he told me that one of the reasons why he placed me here is because I could make difficult decisions.  And this is exactly my problem, difficult decisions might actually hurt others, which I presume is already happening. My strictness and perfectionism is suffocating others and myself. But then again, I believe that this is my training place at the moment. I will stay and keep on until God wants me too, even if... In the process, I know I must learn to appreciate things as they are.

On the other hand, there are too many things to be grateful for after all. The many splendid blessings of God's goodness and grace are overwhelming. Gosh! I survive to live and be with people everyday, talking, counseling, of which I am not really gifted. These too are God's immeasurable mercy and grace. I prefer to be alone in my room 24/7 and do my own thing, read, reasearch, reflect, observe, and be silent. This is my security and this is where I find myself with God, but now I have to listen to every possible complain of everybody. Spend time listening to my students' stories and many others. At first, I find it tiresome and irksome, but now I find delight in seeing through the eyes and lives of my students. I rejoice when I see them change and renewed--- when it happens I also see myself renewed and enriched. Just a little bit of improvement of their outlook and attitudes make my heart leap for joy, though I might not be able to verbally express it. I am thankful for the students who give sense of fulfilment to the advocacy that I believe MBST is promoting.

Right now, I'm working on the possibility of our PABATS [Philippine Association of Bible and Theological Schools] accrediation. I am not an activity or program oriented leader, but I would like to work on the foundational structure that might be beneficial not only for the present need but for the demand of the future. This foundational structure, of which I pray that the Holy Spirit would continually guide, may not be visible to others and may not compel their applause, but it is this very structure that I hope will serve as the foundation to keep MBST standing still as those who started this dreamed and envisioned. I believe that all throughout these years God is at work in this school and I know he will continue to work in us and through us until the end. It is the desire of my heart that MBST would be a landmark of training and equipping that would constitute and produce leaders dedicated and faithfully serving the church and the society with a biblical perspective. For this cause, MBST should be able to stand on a solid foundation of excellence base on biblical standards. I may not be here for long but it is my prayer that I would be able to leave a legacy of faithfulness and service for the next generation to follow as I served with devotion and integrity by the grace and guidance of God. Soli Deo Gloria!



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